3.05am

Insomia sucks bigtime. I hate crying every night before I get to turn in. Man. This has got to stop. I can never understand what I'm feeling inside. Later tonight's the stayover. I've got huge second thoughts about going for it. For so many nights, I cry to sleep. I don't want to cry later tonight too. But can I control my emotions?

When I was a little boy with no care in the world, I used to make a house of pillows. It was my favourite thing to do at home. And my mom and dad would always take photos of me doing that. Sometimes, I just wonder. Why couldn't it have stayed that way? Why must I be so disappointed with love, and when will I ever believe in it?

Thinking of the past really hurts. It hurts so much. Be right back.

*starts crying*

[continuation]

Haiz, crying again Peter? Tsk.

Promise me something. Promise me that you'll be there for me tonight, if I do break down. I need you. I need you just to accompany me to sleep later tonight. All I ask is that you be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, I need that so badly.

Man.. Be right back.

*cries again*

[2nd continuation]

Stop crying already, will you?

Alright alright. I'll stop. I need a father's love so bad. I miss my dad's shoulder, which I leaned on. I miss family outings together. Everytime I see a family coming to TCC to eat, I force myself to hold back my tears, because for me I know it'll never come to pass.

I don't know what stirred me to write this post. So many things on my mind, I really wish I had someone to talk to, a father-figure perhaps? Or maybe just a bossom friend, who is willing to hear me out when I need him.

Love hurts. Loving people takes a great deal of energy, and coping with that loss is even worse. As I grow older and look through these photos of my childhood, I can't help but ask once again. How did 2 people so in love, could ever lose that love? Even my 2 closest friends, all lost love after having it for so many years. Is love really that fragile? Can't any of my friends show me a love that lasts?

Couldn't love be this simple? Me and my sis always love these photos. It shows us the love I had for a sibling ever since she was born, and I still do so much. I cannot imagine life without my mom and sis, there wouldn't be reason enough to live.



It's 3.35am. I hope I can sleep. Every single night like this would sap the energy from me even if I could generate it from other sources.

Please. Help me let go. Help me trust in love.